IVF and Fertility Treatment: 40+ Things to Say

Fertility treatment is long, expensive and mostly invisible. Friends often say nothing because they are frightened of asking the wrong question. Here are 40+ messages.

Send yours in a free thinking of you ecard, or a text — and let them lead on how much is discussed.

When they tell you

1. Thank you for telling me. I am here for all of it.
2. Thinking of you both. Tell me as much or as little as you want.
3. I am glad you told me. No questions unless you want them.
4. Whatever you need over the next few months, ask me.
5. Thinking of you. I will follow your lead entirely on this.
6. I am here. That is the whole message.
7. Thank you for trusting me with that. Nothing changes.
8. Thinking of you both. I will not ask for updates — tell me when you want to.
9. I am so glad you have each other through this.
10. Here for the good news and the bad. Whenever it comes.

During treatment

1. Thinking of you this week. No reply needed.
2. Hope the appointment goes well tomorrow. Thinking of you.
3. Thinking of you. Not asking for news, just saying hello.
4. Hope this round is being kind to you.
5. Thinking of you both today.
6. No update needed. Just letting you know you are in my thoughts.
7. Here if you want to talk about literally anything else.
8. Thinking of you. Injections, scans, waiting — all of it is a lot.
9. Hope today is a manageable one.
10. Sending love. Nothing needed back.

After a failed cycle

1. I am so sorry. This is a loss and I am treating it as one.
2. I am so sorry. Take whatever time you need.
3. I am so sorry. There is nothing helpful to say and I am here anyway.
4. Thinking of you both. I am so sorry.
5. I am so sorry. You are allowed to be devastated.
6. I am so sorry. No talk of next steps unless you raise them.
7. Thinking of you. I will keep checking in.
8. I am so sorry. This is genuinely unfair.

Practical help

1. I will drive you to the clinic. Give me the dates.
2. Bringing dinner Thursday. No need to talk.
3. I will cover for you at work. Nobody needs to know why.
4. Happy to come to appointments and sit in the waiting room.
5. I will take the older one for the afternoon whenever you need.
6. Tell me one thing you are dreading and I will handle it.
7. I am free any day this month. Use me.
8. Say the word and I will make an excuse for you at anything you want to skip.

Short messages

1. Thinking of you both.
2. No reply needed.
3. Here for all of it.
4. Sending love.
5. Thinking of you today.
6. Not going anywhere.
7. Whatever you need.
8. Just saying hello.

What to avoid

1. “Just relax and it will happen.” Infertility is a medical condition, not an attitude problem.
2. “Have you tried…?” They have tried everything, under specialist supervision.
3. “At least you can keep trying.” Each round costs money, time and hope.
4. “My cousin adopted and then got pregnant!” These stories are exhausting and unhelpful.
5. Asking when they are going to have children. Never a safe question to anyone, ever.
6. Complaining about your own children to them. Read the room.

How to be useful

1. Let them control the information. Do not ask for updates; make clear they can share when they want.
2. Remember the dates they mentioned. A message on the morning of a scan means a great deal.
3. Treat a failed cycle as a bereavement. For most people it is one, and it is rarely acknowledged as such.
4. Do not move them on to next steps. Adoption, another round, “taking a break” — none of it is yours to suggest.
5. Keep inviting them to things. Including baby-related things, with a genuine no-pressure option.

Send it

A free thinking of you ecard is an easy way to check in without demanding a reply. See also miscarriage and baby loss and chronic illness support:

FAQ

What do you say to someone going through IVF?

Say you are there, make clear you will not ask for updates, and let them set how much is discussed.

What should you never say?

“Just relax”, “have you tried”, “at least you can keep trying”, and any story about someone who conceived after adopting.

Should you ask how it is going?

Better to say you are thinking of them without requesting news. Constant “any update?” messages are draining.

What do you say after a failed cycle?

Treat it as the loss it is. Do not raise next steps — that is entirely theirs to bring up.

What is a good short message?

“Thinking of you both. No reply needed.”

Should you still invite them to baby events?

Yes, with a genuine and stated option to decline. Being quietly excluded hurts more than being asked.