Divorce and Separation: 45+ Things to Say

Divorce is a bereavement nobody sends cards for. Friends go quiet because they are not sure whether to be sorry or pleased. Here are 45+ messages that manage both.

Send yours in a free thinking of you ecard, or just a text — the point is that you got in touch.

What to say when you hear

1. I am sorry. Thinking of you, and here whenever you want to talk.
2. Just heard. I am around — for talking, or for not talking about it at all.
3. I am sorry. However you are feeling about this, it is allowed.
4. Thinking of you. No advice, no opinions, just here.
5. I am sorry this is happening. Tell me what would help.
6. Whatever you need over the next few months, ask me.
7. Thinking of you. I am not going to take sides or ask questions.
8. I am sorry. This is a big thing and I am treating it as one.
9. Here for you. Genuinely, at any hour.
10. Thinking of you this week. Fancy a walk?
11. I am sorry. You do not have to explain any of it to me.
12. Thinking of you. Nothing needed in reply.

When they seem relieved

1. If this is the right thing, then I am glad for you. Complicated, but glad.
2. You do not have to be sad about it for my benefit.
3. Relief is allowed. So is grief. Often both in the same hour.
4. Sounds like the right decision. Here for whatever comes next.
5. Good for you. That took something.
6. Whatever you are feeling, I am not going to tell you it should be different.
7. Glad you got here. It sounds like it was a long road.
8. Onwards, then. I am with you for it.

When they are struggling

1. I am so sorry. This is grief, whatever anyone calls it.
2. You are allowed to fall apart about this.
3. Take as long as you need. There is no timetable for this either.
4. I am so sorry. Losing a marriage is losing a whole imagined future.
5. Thinking of you. The bad days are not a sign you got it wrong.
6. I am here for the messy version of this, not just the tidy one.
7. I am so sorry. Be gentle with yourself.
8. Whatever this looks like over the next year, I am in for it.

Practical help

1. I am free Saturday if you need help moving anything.
2. Bringing dinner Thursday. You do not have to be good company.
3. I will take the children for an afternoon whenever you need it.
4. Spare room is yours for as long as you want it.
5. Happy to come with you to anything difficult — solicitor, viewing, whatever.
6. I am around every weekend for the foreseeable. Use me.
7. Let me handle one boring job this week. Pick it.
8. Coming round Sunday. No agenda.

Months later

1. Still checking in. I know the attention drops off.
2. Thinking of you. First Christmas is a hard one.
3. How are you actually? Everyone stopped asking about a month ago.
4. Thinking of you around what would have been your anniversary.
5. Still here, still around, still happy to talk about it or not.
6. Just saying hello. No occasion.

Short messages

1. Thinking of you.
2. Here whenever.
3. I am sorry. I am around.
4. No advice, just here.
5. Anything you need.
6. Sending love.
7. Not going anywhere.
8. Fancy a walk?

What to avoid

1. “I never liked them anyway.” They may reconcile, and even if not, it insults their judgement.
2. Taking sides publicly. Especially where children are involved.
3. “At least you did not have children” — or “at least you did”. Both are wrong, depending on the day.
4. Asking what went wrong. If they want to tell you, they will.
5. “You will find someone else.” Not the point, and not what they are grieving.
6. Disappearing because it is awkward. The silence is what people remember.

How to write it

1. Do not assume how they feel. Divorce can be grief, relief or both — ask rather than guess.
2. Stay neutral about the ex. Particularly if there are children, and particularly in writing.
3. Offer something specific. Moving help, childcare, or company for a difficult appointment.
4. Keep going at month three. That is when everyone else stops and the paperwork is still running.

Send it

A free thinking of you ecard is an easy way to check in repeatedly. See also encouragement messages and friendship messages:

FAQ

What do you say to someone getting divorced?

Say you are sorry, offer to listen without advice, and let them set the tone. Do not assume whether they are devastated or relieved.

Should you say you never liked their ex?

No. Couples reconcile, children exist, and it insults their judgement even when they agree with you.

What if they seem relieved?

Be glad with them. Relief is a legitimate reaction and is often met with unwanted sympathy.

Is a card appropriate for a divorce?

There is no convention, which is exactly why one lands. A short handwritten note is unusual and welcome.

What is a good short message?

“I am sorry. Thinking of you, and here whenever you want to talk.”

How long should you keep checking in?

Well past the first few weeks. Divorces take months or years, and support usually evaporates long before the process ends.