When Someone Comes Out: 45+ Things to Say

Someone has just told you something they have probably rehearsed for weeks. What you say in the next thirty seconds is the bit they will remember. Here are 45+ messages.

Send yours in a free friendship ecard, or say it in person — but say it quickly either way.

In the moment

1. Thank you for telling me. It does not change anything between us.
2. I am really glad you told me.
3. Thank you for trusting me with that.
4. Nothing changes. You are exactly who you were an hour ago.
5. I love you. That is the whole response.
6. Thank you for telling me. How are you feeling about it?
7. That took courage. Thank you for trusting me.
8. I am glad you felt you could tell me.
9. Thank you. And for what it is worth, I am proud of you.
10. Nothing about this changes how I feel about you.
11. Thank you for telling me. What do you need from me?
12. I am here, exactly as before.

Warm and supportive

1. I am proud of you for living honestly. That is not easy.
2. You do not owe anyone an explanation, including me.
3. Whatever you need — someone to talk to, or someone to say nothing — I am here.
4. I hope you feel lighter. You have been carrying this a while.
5. You are the same person and I am just as fond of you.
6. Thank you for letting me know a real thing about you.
7. I am glad you get to be yourself now.
8. However this goes with other people, you have me.
9. This does not need to be a big conversation unless you want it to be.
10. Delighted for you, honestly.

When they are worried about the reaction

1. You were right to be nervous about telling people, and wrong to be nervous about telling me.
2. Anyone who reacts badly is telling you about themselves, not about you.
3. You have not lost me. You will not lose me.
4. If it goes badly with anyone, you have somewhere to come.
5. I am on your side, whatever happens with everyone else.
6. You do not have to tell anyone else on any timetable but your own.
7. Take it at your pace. There is no rush and no obligation.
8. Whatever happens next, ring me.

From a parent

1. Thank you for telling us. We love you. Nothing changes.
2. We are so proud of you. Come home whenever you want, exactly as you are.
3. I am sorry if we ever made you feel you had to hide it.
4. You are our child and that was never conditional.
5. Thank you for trusting us. We love you very much.
6. Nothing about this changes a single thing in this house.
7. We might get some things wrong at first. Be patient with us — we are on your side.
8. Whoever you love, they will be welcome here.

If you got it wrong at first

1. I did not react well and I am sorry. I have had time to think and I love you.
2. I got that wrong. Can we try again?
3. I am sorry for what I said. It was ignorance, not how I feel about you.
4. I have been reading and thinking. I am sorry I was not better at the time.
5. You deserved a better response than the one I gave. I am sorry.
6. I am learning. Thank you for being patient with me.

Short messages

1. Thank you for telling me.
2. Nothing changes. Love you.
3. Proud of you.
4. I am here, as always.
5. Glad you told me.
6. You have me, always.
7. Love you exactly the same.
8. Whatever you need.

What to avoid

1. “Are you sure?” They are. They have thought about it far longer than you have.
2. “I always knew.” It makes their disclosure about your perceptiveness.
3. “Who else knows?” It reads as managing information rather than caring about them.
4. “Do not tell your grandmother.” Asking someone to stay partly hidden undoes the whole moment.
5. “It is just a phase.” Dismissive, and often the exact fear that delayed them telling you.
6. Making it about your feelings. Your adjustment is real, and it is not their job to manage it today.

How to respond well

1. Lead with thanks. “Thank you for telling me” is almost impossible to get wrong.
2. Say nothing changes, and mean it. That is the reassurance most people are waiting for.
3. Ask what they need rather than assuming. Some want a conversation; some want it noted and moved past.
4. Let them control who else knows. Never pass it on, even to close family.
5. Follow up later. A short message a week on shows the first response was not just politeness.

Send it

A free friendship ecard works well as a follow-up. See also friendship messages and mental health support messages:

FAQ

What do you say when someone comes out to you?

“Thank you for telling me” and “nothing changes” cover almost every situation. Then ask what they need rather than assuming.

What should you avoid saying?

“Are you sure”, “I always knew”, “who else knows”, and anything suggesting it is a phase or should stay quiet.

Should you tell anyone else?

Never. Who else knows is entirely their decision, including within the family.

What if you reacted badly at the time?

Go back and say so plainly. A sincere apology later repairs a great deal — most people would rather have that than nothing.

What is a good short message?

“Thank you for telling me. It does not change anything between us.”

Should you follow up?

Yes, briefly, a week or so later. It shows the first response was genuine rather than reflexive politeness.